What's in a Number?

Welcome to my 12^th Substack!

I don’t ordinarily number my Substacks and so why this week? That’s a very good question. It’s because it’s number 12, which has always been a significant number in my life ever since I was born on the 12^th day of the 12^th month in a year, ‘48, that is also divisible by 12.

I married my wife Rose on the 12^th but still somehow managed to forget our recent anniversary. Men! Despite my oversight, our marriage remains remarkably stable and is the solid bedrock upon which my adult life has been founded (Rose reads my Substack and I trust she’s suitably impressed).

On the rare occasion that I go horse-racing, I often wager my hard-earned cash on any horse that’s number 12. Whether the horse knows it’s number 12 or appreciates it’s significance, I doubt. Unfortunately, there are rarely more than six traps at a greyhound track and so I settle for a straight forecast traps one and two.

And so we seamlessly move on to this week’s text which is, naturally enough, the 12^th letter from that wonderful book, ‘Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Pear Tree’ which, incidentally, is available at all bookshops and Amazon. Why not, when you’ve finished, buy 12?

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Dear US Masters Organising Committee,

Before I reveal my exciting idea, I should like to say what a great tournament you put on. It’s a highlight of my year and it’s just a shame in comes in April as, apart from The Open in July, there’s nothing much else to look forward to this side of Christmas.

My one criticism of the US Masters is that it’s all a bit ‘samey’. You might want to consider moving it around to different courses as I suspect TV viewers are growing a bit bored with Amern Corner, azaleas and pine straw. I’ve an idea: instead of it always being green, how about rotating a range of colours for the winner’s jacket? Or, better still, let the winner choose. It would be fun trying to guess whether he would go for the Day-Glo orange, imperial purple or the rainbow-coloured one to show support for the LBGTQIA movement. And think how much more interesting it would be from a visual point of view if the past winners wore different brightly coloured jackets instead of the same dreary green.

Anyway, my principal point is that I can’t help thinking that you’re missing a huge and valuable trick by not capitalising on what are known as naming rights. You see it everywhere in sport these days, with stadiums and tournaments bearing the name of what is called in the business, a title sponsor. You would be astonished at the sort of sums companies are prepared to cough up just to have their names linked to a big sporting occasion. And, without wishing to flatter you, yours is most definitely a very big sporting occasion.

Obviously you would need to think very carefully about what sort of title sponsor you want. Because your tournament is watched right around the world, you ought to be searching for what is known as a global brand.

So who would be suitable? Well, when I think of America I think unbelievably stupid gun laws that allow nutters to needlessly mow down dozens of innocent people every year. Leaving that to one side, what else is there that is quintessentially American? Well, hamburgers of course. And when you think of hamburgers, two big names spring to mind. I’ve ruled out McDonald’s because they would almost certainly want to erect a giant golden arch above Magnolia Drive and I appreciate that a few of you less enlightened members might not be too happy with that. And so how about the almost equally well-know Burger King? It’s as American as Donald Trump and has plenty of bucks to spend on marketing. One massive inducement you could offer is to change the title you bestow upon whoever wins from the US Masters Champion to the Burger Meister, geddit?